


the first, but not the last

by zenexit



Series: Winter HalBarry week 2018 [4]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Character Study, Exploring Sexuality, First Kiss, M/M, but like the all boys kind of high school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 03:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17316878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenexit/pseuds/zenexit
Summary: Day 5- FirstsHal and Barry go to an all boys school. A transitional time for their lives, and themselves.





	the first, but not the last

**Author's Note:**

> this is honestly like.... really self indulgent? i feel like its much more of a character exploration combined with a sexuality exploration which is something i care a lot about but might be boring to read  
> writing this i mean for it to take place in the mid 80s and not a current timeline

Barry had always known, even if he didn’t want to admit it. When it came to men his interest was much more active. There was nothing wrong with women, and he could always admit he found them objectively attractive. Barry always got a hard time from his girlfriends, his crushes, and any girl who spent enough time talking to him trying to pursue anything romantic. They all said the same thing, that he was just too easy going, that he didn’t seem interested enough. Barry had always shrugged that off, promised he was interested he just didn’t feel the need to be over the top about it. None of them had really appreciated that too much. 

When it came to men though, Barry didn’t find himself forcing himself so much. It wasn’t that he didn’t like women…. Or maybe he really didn’t, he couldn’t ever be sure. Men though… They were something else altogether. Maybe it was the shared interests Barry normally found with high school boys his age, maybe it was how exciting it felt to dream about kissing one of them. How his pulse would race, his hands would clam up, and it felt like he swallowed too many butterflies. This was how everyone said it was supposed to feel, these nerves. Those nerves though, were much harder to deal with when there were real life consequences. Growing up in a rural countryside before changing schools, Barry had seen and heard first hand the kinds of jokes boys would make, but how serious about it they really were. Without knowing it, Barry had always been the suffering in silence type. Someone to bear a weight on his shoulders without so much as a whimper to those he felt he was forced to hear it. With everything with his mother and father, he hadn’t grown up with many people he felt he could confide in. He didn’t think he needed to if he was being honest.

Before going to this new all boys school, Barry had a close friend from before his Mother’s death. A young girl named Iris, who Barry had even tried dating for a short period of time. The two got along perfectly, and Barry found it fun how much she challenged him. If there was anyone he missed while he was away from home, it was her. 

Hal had a completely different experience growing up from Barry. Although Barry had been through his own struggles, at least he could say for certainty both of his parents loved him dearly and without hesitation. Although he couldn’t make himself do it, perhaps in a world with both parents he wouldn’t find it so hard to come out to them…

Hal grew up the middle child of two boys and a father he idolized. In a house full of men, masculinity took the forefront. His mother and his relationship becoming strained after his father’s death, Hal found every trip home from school to be painful and unnecessary conflict. No matter how much he wanted to see and get along with his family, he wasn’t willing to bend and break into someone else to do it. Despite this though, his family’s expectations of what a man was weighed heavily on his shoulders. 

When Hal saw a pretty girl he didn’t wonder if he was attracted to her, he instead focused on the things about her anyone could agree were attractive. Perhaps that was why he had gone through more girlfriends than anyone else in his class. He thought he cared about all of them, and went through all the motions of it, but in the end he didn’t care outside of using them for his own gain. That might have sounded harsh, but Hal was honest with each of them about what he wanted and how to give them what they wanted. He enjoyed talking to people, in spending time with them. He just never thought to ask himself if these feelings were genuine, or just that he thought a truly charming manly man should have had many girlfriends. 

Spending time with men was something all together different. Hal didn’t have racing thoughts like Barry did, but rather just thought this company was how it was meant to be. Being a bro that came before girls was important to him, and held his friends tightly to those standards. If he had thought about it perhaps, he would have seen then how much more his relationships with men mattered to him. Whereas Barry seemed to just prefer men between the two, Hal if he had stopped to think would have known he was only interested in men completely. But instead, Hal was the forefront of all the homophobic jokes his friends made, no matter how they made his stomach sink for some reason. He didn’t bully gay kids or act out violently he just… didn’t talk to them. And made fun of his friends if they didn’t fit his version of masculinity. 

Not to excuse Hal’s behavior, but perhaps he was just a victim of the toxic masculinity his family perpetuated. The same masculinity and hatred of all things effeminate that society had taught them before. 

When Barry had met Hal at first he had been completely in love. Hal was all wide smiles and a jaw that looked like it could slice bread. He had an infectious attitude, and a way with jokes that Barry could appreciate. When Hal had met Barry, he was taken instantly with his eyes, thinking it wasn’t fair for eyes to be that light but still such a bright blue. 

It was the late nights and hiding in each others dorms, driving their respective roommates crazy. How both Hal and Barry wanted to spend every day together, joking and laughing and just going over their lives together. How they would break onto the roof and scream off of it, and how Hal would give Barry his extra food. They became best friends before anyone could even blink, whispering secrets and thoughts they were afraid to even tell themselves.

Barry should have known, it should have been obvious, he was going to fall in love with Hal. Every time he thinks about it now it hits him, all the little things that should have hit him like a stack of bricks. 

Hal didn’t know, and he never would have known how much and how deeply he loved Barry. He didn’t question their endless loyalty, the excitement and passion in their eyes that they couldn’t seem to retain for anyone else around them. If it hadn’t been for Barry acting, he never would have known. He might have just kept his entire life going forward like this. 

But Barry had. He had made the first step, had pushed everything aside and taken a chance he had never found to be worth it before.

It was one night where they had snuck onto the roof together again. They were yelling things, nothing serious but falling over each other laughing anyway. It was during winter break, where two boys had no one to go back to had chosen to stay. Because of roommates going back when they didn’t, it was a lot easier to hide out together every single night. 

Laughing and grabbing each others shoulders, smiles spread wide and the beginnings of tears on their faces, was when something in Barry had finally broken. It wasn’t sad like he thought it would be, he was elated. Everything inside of him felt like he was soaring and he couldn’t come down. He had reached forward then, and grabbed Hal by either side of his face and kissed him without holding back. 

Hal’s jaw shouldn’t have opened up on instinct, but it did. It shouldn’t have moved like this was natural, but it did. His heart shouldn’t have felt like it was going to beat out of his chest, but he found himself gasping for air when it was over.

All that joy that was on Barry’s face before then was suddenly gone though, anxiety taking over. His hand started to slip when Hal grabbed it back, and kissed him twice as hard. Every hidden achy emotion coming back up, taking charge in a way he didn’t even know he needed.

It was their first kiss, but it wasn’t their last. Not even close. 


End file.
